My Life: When It Rains … It Becomes a Typhoon

Here in Bicol, a province South from the Metropolis, we are so used to having countless of typhoons each year. This is because of the island’s location — sitting at a typhoon belt area. More than six years ago, we experienced one of the worst disaster brought about by typhoon Reming that killed almost 2,000 residents with billions of properties destroyed, plus three towns covered with the volcano’s ashes and giant boulders. It was the worst time for Bicolanos — having lost not only loved ones, but also their hard-earned property. Thank the Lord, the locals were able to move on after several years.

The typhoon in my life has not slowed down a bit. Sad to say, it is also my fault why it’s taking a long time for me to move on. There would be good days when I would take some positive steps forward, then there would be bad days that would bring me down in the lowest pit of despair. Those days are becoming more and more frequent. Unlike others who are not aware of what’s going on, I am thankful that despite all the yo-yo events going on in my life, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG. The problem lies on my being so pig-headed, stubborn, impatient and proud. Many, many times, I would take things into my own hands and do what I think is best — yet, this is not what the Lord wants me to do.

The Lord has been talking to me and reminding me to let go and just let Him, yet, I wanted to do it on my own. I keep telling Him — I have no choice but to do it because I need to. Sigh. At the end of the day ending at the lowest pit of despair, I would blame myself over and over again for not listening to the Lord’s gentle prodding.

Is it really hard to just let go and let God?

I wish I could say yes. I wish I could lie and say I am an obedient daughter who has a childlike faith, full of trust in my God. But I cannot lie and I know everything that happened and the consequences are my fault. The problem is not about the typhoon of my life. The problem is never about God and His not answering my prayers. The problem is me.

So today, instead of praying for Him to answer my prayers, I am praying for strength and the will to follow Him with a childlike faith. Although I do not see the whole staircase, I just know it’s there. Although I do not see how I am or will able to make through this typhoon in my life, I just know I can and I will because God is powerful, loving and will never leave me. I know He is just waiting for me to let go and let Him.

Somehow, I know the typhoon will be over as soon as I let go.

Roller Coaster Ride

As we were walking towards the park, the ebony sky is devoid of any stars but the air is cool and my steps were light. My son was chattering non-stop by my side and judging from the way he talks — he is a happy guy tonight. It’s been awhile since the last time I felt happy and at peace.It was just a good time to get away from it all. Don’t get me wrong … I am still facing tremendous challenges at this very moment and problems seem to have no solution. As a matter of fact, trials seem to pour down on me every single day.

We walked towards where the carnival was set up. Unlike the previous years wherein the rides were ugly-looking, scary and at the brink of break down, the different rides this year were new and stable-looking. The stalls were set up beautifully and there were hundreds of families walking around and enjoying themselves. Josh was so excited despite the fact that we told him our visit to the park was just to look around since we do not have extra money for rides and food. It was just a time for us to bond together as a family away from a suffocating environment filled with — problems.

Walking around, we came across a beautiful roller coaster ride. Everyone, including us were amazed at how it goes up and down with all the riders screaming and having fun. I stood there wondering how the riders were able to sit there and not fall when the roller coaster goes upside down. The scene stayed on mind until I lay down the bed and waited for sleep to come. My life is like a roller coaster ride — scary but fun, frustrating but filled with grace, broken but made whole by God‘s love.

It goes up and down. If there are bad times, there are also good times coming. I may be down now; however trusting God’s grace and love for me, soon my life will be better and I will soar. Whatever problems I am facing now will work out as long as I put my trust in God 100% and let Him take over. “Your will Lord, and not mine.”

The moment you feel yourself on the verge of falling as the roller coaster goes upside down, you will not fall as long as you hold on to that bar in front of you. Many times since I transferred to our new house I felt myself wobbling at the edge of the cliff and feeling very scared. Another step then it is the end for me … yet, I held on to God’s hands. For the life of me, I shut my eyes tight and just kept praying … “Lord, please, please never let go of me …” yes, I am still here — ALIVE and well.

Life is a roller coaster ride. Riding the roller coaster may be scary, but it allows you to experience an exhilarating feeling of fun and excitement. The moment you step down after the 5 minute ride, you feel bolder, braver and ready to take on a more challenging ride (if there is one). You are proud of yourself that you have the courage to go through it and come out — with a huge smile on your face.

I am actually in a roller coaster ride at this moment. There would be days I feel lost and scared with no one to turn to. I feel the frustration and stress mounting up and eating me alive that I cannot breathe. I feel I cannot go on with all the discouragements and put-downs I am getting from people. YET, God has always kept me by His side. He never let go. I am thankful that He would send blessings to me through people like my sister, my daughter, my wonderful grandchildren, my online friend Becky, my friends/bosses Kreg and Erik, Roy and Josh to remind me that I have to be courageous and strong. I can do this.

After this current ride, I know I will come out bolder, stronger, and CLOSER to God — ready to take on a more challenging ride.

Plants by the Wall

The plants by the wall are thriving!

Three weeks after moving to our new house, they look beautiful and healthy. I am glad the construction guy made me plant boxes so I can move these plants from the old house. The first few days after re-planting them in their new home, I was sure they were dying. They looked withered and brown. So everyday, I make sure to water them and touch them. Mind you, I am not a horticulturist, I’m just an ordinary person who love flowers and plants. And I love these plants!

I am happy they are thriving. How I wish I am like them!

I feel like I am withering and devoid of any strength to face the many challenges in front of me. Many times, I would stomp my feet and act like a spoiled kid — questioning God and His love for me. I know I am wrong. I prayed and prayed, but it seems no one is around to hear me. Sigh… Yesterday while talking with some friends, someone told me that I am so much better off living in our own house because I don’t have to pay rent and can save a lot. Right now, I don’t feel this simply because we have incurred a lot of debts just to have the house finish.

Amidst all these, I have been getting not so good news at work. People are staying away because they know we are down in the dumps when it comes to finances. Yes, we have our own house, but there are many days we don’t even have money to buy decent food to eat. Worse, people close to you who you expect to understand and support are the ones who put you down. When will this end?

I wish soon. I wish to thrive like my plants in our new home.

The D-Day: My Boss Resented Why I Called it “D”

Been putting this off, but the time has come for me to stop running around and start blogging. It has been quite awhile since I last blogged — and certainly this is the perfect time to do it.

I believe most of us cannot wait for our day to come. After all, we get to celebrate our birthday only once every year. How we celebrate it depends on our capacity (financially) and of course, what is deemed most important to us. It can be having a party with the people we love, family and friends that are always there for us, or it can be a simple going-away to a nice place where the birthday celebrant can relax and enjoy a peaceful day.

I, for one, wished for the latter. I would give anything to be stress-free, to be worry-free, and be at peace.

The past 7 months have been stressful, challenging, and discouraging in so many ways. Many times, I would find myself questioning God why He allowed such hardships into my life and my prayers left unanswered. I questioned, I sulked, I cried, I was thrown into a pit of despair, and I cried some more — yet, I still found myself in this tough situation. Today, more than anything, I prayed for a peaceful day. I have to be honest … I asked for solutions to my problems. But again, I was denied of what I have prayed for.

Why do I call it D-day?

“Isn’t it birthday starts with letter B — so it should be B-day not D-day.” My boss said.

Well, Charlene the cynical answered “D-day because it is a down-day.” Oh boy … my boss “resented” my reply and I felt a tiny bit ashamed. Well, okay — I felt bad that I had to call it a “down day”. After all, I am fully aware of God’s blessings in my life DESPITE all that I have been through the past year and still going through at this moment.

I promised myself that this blog will be a positive and uplifting one. Although I did spend more than half of the day running around in circles and in tears, I have to snap out of my stupidity because there ARE so many reasons why I should be thankful. Shame on me for focusing my eyes on my trials and not looking beyond what God has given me.

Here are the reasons why I am thankful:

Today, I am 42 years old. Although I have gained a lot of weight the past 7 months due to not playing tennis regularly, I know I can still do something about my weight starting today (well, tomorrow actually). The years have been kind to me despite the aging lines and all. I am once again reminded to take care of my health especially my gall bladder problem. Most of all, the people who love me — love me for me and not my weight, nor my age.

I am thankful and will always be thankful for my bosses Kreg and Erik. They have been very kind, supportive and encouraging the past months I was out-of-balance due to the house construction. Most of all, they have been very patient with me — always around to teach me and allow me to hone my skills to be better. For the job that they have given — I am reminded once more to do the best I can to repay all the kindness and trust they have showed me and my family.

I am thankful for the Lord has given me the chance to write an eBook (hopefully, the first of the many more to come) that can help motivate women to achieve greatness.

I am thankful because we have finally moved to our new house. We have been praying for our own house the past ten years and certainly God moves in mysterious ways! Other times, I would question His wisdom — why now when we are not yet financially able? Then again, it is not my place to question His will. I know despite all the trials we are facing right now, He will show me His wonderful purpose and timing. I just have to continue trusting Him.

One of the reasons why I love my work especially being an admin for the FB pages is the fact that I get to meet people who live far away, but can give encouragement and support whenever I feel down and out. Thanks to Becky, Annie, Kapil, and everyone else. God has been so good — He knows that this job is to lead people to Christ, but most of all — I get to feel blessed and be reminded of His great love for me.

I am thankful for my family. My parents, brothers and sisters, my daughters who I love and miss with all my heart, my beautiful granddaughter Holly and the coming baby brother, my son-in-law, and most of all my son Josh and my best friend and husband Roy. I don’t know what my life would be without you all. I will always be thankful that you love me for ME — not the perfect me because I am not, but for all my imperfections. True love sees what is inside the heart. It is not what you see from the outside that matters. It is not what a certain act may seem on the surface, but true love values the thought, the reason, and the value behind such act. I am thankful that God has given me you — the reason of my continuing existence in this world. Most of all, I am thankful because YOU have made my life beautiful and worth living.

This is not what I expected and hoped the day would turn out to be. However, I choose to be thankful. I choose to feel and be reminded of God’s continuous blessings in my life. I choose to trust in God that He is in control of my life. Finally, I am grateful and humbled for the love of God for me.

Happy B-day Charlene!   

Being Thankful and Looking Forward

New Year’s Day means so many things for me.  It is a time to look back and be thankful for all the blessings I have received. It is also a time to contemplate on mistakes I made that made me wiser today – things I definitely want to avoid this New Year. Most of all, a new year means a new beginning. It gives everyone a sense of hope filled with wonderful expectations.

Top Reasons for Me to Be Thankful as Year 2011 Passed:

1.  I passed the test. Yes, 2011 has been a very tough year for me — not only financially, emotionally, but also mentally. However, I am thankful because I have passed the test. I believe I have become a better person as I learned from all challenges thrown my way.

2.  I have moved on three more steps ahead. My great desire is to be able to move on from what I have been through the first part of the year 2010. It was a very, very difficult time for me. I found myself losing everything I have worked hard for as a person. I was left unsure, angry, and insecure and lost in pain. As much as I would like to move on one step ahead, I found myself moving several steps back. I was frustrated! Today I can truly say God has been so good to me. The pain and tears are lesser.

3.  I have finally found what I am looking for. God has blessed me the desire of my heart and that is to find employers who are great! This year I have started to believe in myself that I am capable and able. Although there were several discouragements and incidents that made me unsure, there are some few people who believe that I can be the best.

4.  I am surrounded with people that I love.  Life and all its hardships are nothing as long as I am enveloped with love from people who mean everything to me. I know I can face the future with them at my side. My parents, my brothers and sisters, and my beautiful daughters and granddaughter are my source of inspiration. I am loved, accepted and cherished because of my husband and son. I am very, very thankful because I have a family I can call – MINE.

5.  I am nothing without God who supplies me with all the strength, courage, and wisdom, and the ability to love and live. Certainly, I am at a total lost without His great love for me.

Year 2012 is here. God has promised more blessings to come as long as I remain in HIM, loyal and faithful. My heart is filled with joyful anticipation knowing He has great plans for me.