As we were walking towards the park, the ebony sky is devoid of any stars but the air is cool and my steps were light. My son was chattering non-stop by my side and judging from the way he talks — he is a happy guy tonight. It’s been awhile since the last time I felt happy and at peace.It was just a good time to get away from it all. Don’t get me wrong … I am still facing tremendous challenges at this very moment and problems seem to have no solution. As a matter of fact, trials seem to pour down on me every single day.
We walked towards where the carnival was set up. Unlike the previous years wherein the rides were ugly-looking, scary and at the brink of break down, the different rides this year were new and stable-looking. The stalls were set up beautifully and there were hundreds of families walking around and enjoying themselves. Josh was so excited despite the fact that we told him our visit to the park was just to look around since we do not have extra money for rides and food. It was just a time for us to bond together as a family away from a suffocating environment filled with — problems.
Walking around, we came across a beautiful roller coaster ride. Everyone, including us were amazed at how it goes up and down with all the riders screaming and having fun. I stood there wondering how the riders were able to sit there and not fall when the roller coaster goes upside down. The scene stayed on mind until I lay down the bed and waited for sleep to come. My life is like a roller coaster ride — scary but fun, frustrating but filled with grace, broken but made whole by God‘s love.
It goes up and down. If there are bad times, there are also good times coming. I may be down now; however trusting God’s grace and love for me, soon my life will be better and I will soar. Whatever problems I am facing now will work out as long as I put my trust in God 100% and let Him take over. “Your will Lord, and not mine.”
The moment you feel yourself on the verge of falling as the roller coaster goes upside down, you will not fall as long as you hold on to that bar in front of you. Many times since I transferred to our new house I felt myself wobbling at the edge of the cliff and feeling very scared. Another step then it is the end for me … yet, I held on to God’s hands. For the life of me, I shut my eyes tight and just kept praying … “Lord, please, please never let go of me …” yes, I am still here — ALIVE and well.
Life is a roller coaster ride. Riding the roller coaster may be scary, but it allows you to experience an exhilarating feeling of fun and excitement. The moment you step down after the 5 minute ride, you feel bolder, braver and ready to take on a more challenging ride (if there is one). You are proud of yourself that you have the courage to go through it and come out — with a huge smile on your face.
I am actually in a roller coaster ride at this moment. There would be days I feel lost and scared with no one to turn to. I feel the frustration and stress mounting up and eating me alive that I cannot breathe. I feel I cannot go on with all the discouragements and put-downs I am getting from people. YET, God has always kept me by His side. He never let go. I am thankful that He would send blessings to me through people like my sister, my daughter, my wonderful grandchildren, my online friend Becky, my friends/bosses Kreg and Erik, Roy and Josh to remind me that I have to be courageous and strong. I can do this.
After this current ride, I know I will come out bolder, stronger, and CLOSER to God — ready to take on a more challenging ride.
“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson
The Lord has been good to me all my life.
At this point, although money is still scarce and my prayers would constantly ask for financial blessings, I can truly say what is vitally important is to have the peace of mind amidst the storms my life is constantly facing. Lately, I was not spared from facing insecurities, fear and sadness. I guess, at this age, I should accept that these three are constantly my companions on my worst days.
But this blog is not about my worst days. This blog is about how I have been coping with whatever challenges are thrown my way.
I may seem like a withered leaf whenever someone comes along my life and push me to doubt myself and my capabilities, but I am made of stronger stuff than this. This is something I need to remind myself every single hour of the day. Although I may seem a weakling– crying when in pain and even when in anger, I am strong because the Lord is my strength at all times.
I have to be strong for my children.
Even though most of the time my daughters seem to handle their own lives efficiently, once in a while they would still need mommy to be strong for them. I may not be the parent they turn to at all times, but I know I am their best friend at their worst. Somehow I have to be strong to be the shoulder they can lean on. I have to strengthen my heart whenever I hear them crying and not break down.
I have to be strong to be the best that I can be at work.
Work has been quite a challenge these past months. I keep telling myself that God has wonderful plans for me. He knows what I am capable of. He knows what I can handle. Most of all, only He knows that Charlene can be the best! The problem always lies on the fact that I have so much insecurity within myself. This, I believe, is the main reason there would be times I feel lost and unsure. Someone once told me, I am the type to worry a lot because I am afraid of rejections. I see wisdom in his words.
The bad thing about me is that I put myself down a lot. I give myself dozens of excuses why other people like my daughter is a better writer and earns bigger. I know, stupid isn’t it? I have to be strong and make my skin thicker. With thicker skin, every rejection won’t matter and stop me from being the best that I can be. I have to start believing that I AM THE BEST.
I have to be strong for myself.
….and I can only do this through Christ who strengthens me. I believe that God is preparing something greater for me. He will give me the desires of my heart—to work on jobs that I love, earn as much as I am capable of, continue to be a mother and best friend to my kids, and to find the peace and happiness my heart is constantly hoping for.
For me to survive this life, I have to be strong.