It’s two days before Christmas and I am so very glad that I finally found this time to blog. I haven’t written anything for the past months as I have been up to my neck with work–which I deem is good in some ways. However, I still feel that even with my work load piling up and never getting a chance to do my usual blog, I should have find the time to do so as it is my way of expressing what is in my heart. As it is, every emotion is shove deep inside the recesses of my heart; suppressed and captive causing my heart to be stressed. I haven’t played tennis lately which I feel is never good as I have been playing for the past almost 16 years of my life.
Christmas used to be the happiest time of the year for me. Twenty years ago when the holiday season comes, I would do everything to make Christmas the happiest time for all my four daughters. Aside from the traditions I have constantly followed (anonymous gifts under the Christmas tree and going to church), there would always be a time where sharing with the less fortunate is important. I usually tell the girls to gather all the toys and books they don’t use anymore and we will bring it to an orphanage near our house. Somehow twenty years after, I looked back and feel melancholy over those memories that will remain memories. It tore my heart to think that they all have their own lives now. When they say “family”, it does not include their mother anymore. They have grown and despite all my efforts to be an effective distant mother, the truth will always be that I am a mother mostly by name. Funny how after almost ten years being separated from their dad, this hollow feeling at the pit of the stomach never eases. Several Christmases have passed and others much worst, yet, I always feel….sad. My only comfort would be the man who is by my side and the son we have. They love me despite my brokenness and for their sakes, I have to let go of these tears that kept spilling every time Christmas comes. After all, I should move on with my life now that they have their own lives and families now….
This year’s Christmas time is quite a challenge for me. Other than working like a mad woman for several clients, I discovered that I had gall bladder stones and my liver is infected. This caused me to be in the hospital twice because of so much pain. The first time we thought it was just gastrointestinal problem but after being injected with what seems to be a high doze of pain reliever, the pain never let up. In fact, it has tripled. Eventually several tests were done and it turned out I have stones. Now the doctors are pressing me to schedule an operation which of course, I don’t want. I made some research myself and with the help of my tennis friends, was able to get a holistic approach of flushing out gall stones. At the same time, I need to watch what I eat and it’s been really hard with the holiday season just around the corner. Again, I need to get back into tennis even if I do need to work.
Writing for clients has been a challenge for me this month. Other than my being in the hospital, my son and husband were sick too. Josh was sick for the whole week and I was so distracted from work hence, so much delay. I may not be earning as much as others but I am certainly glad that I am blessed with regular work that pays all the bills we incurred. Christmas would have been happier but almost all my work earnings went to the hospital bills and medicine. Now I am back to square one.
Yet, Christmas isn’t about money, work and memories. Christmas will always be because God loves us and gave us His Son to die for us. This is the true meaning of Christmas…having Jesus in our lives. Our lives will never be perfect. Christmas will always be a sad time for me but it should not be this way because this is the time I should rejoice because Christmas is Jesus. The moment I woke up to the sunlight gently streaming in my window, I felt the need to write and let out all the sadness and pain because what should remain here in my heart should be joy. Christmas is Jesus and I am thankful that He loves me like no other. Even at the lowest point of my life and my ugliest, I can always feel His arms around me and telling me I can do this. I am simply nothing without God’s love.
Thank YOU Lord because You are my everything. To you I lift my life, my heart and my soul; with You, I know I can find true joy in Christmas.