If only we have the power to remember only the good and happy times in our lives and save ourselves the pain of remembering the hurts from the past, life would not be so bad at all. Funny how we kid ourselves that we have moved on, yet, our mind has the power of associating the simplest incident, thing and even words that can throw us into the twilight zone of the ugliness of what we all want to erase. Somehow the excruciating pain we all thought we have totally let go grips our hearts once more. More than once, I would ask myself if I have truly let go of the past. Although I admit, there would be good days as I have successfully control my mind on what to think and what not to think to avoid the feeling of pain. However the moment I lower down my guard, my vulnerability takes hold of my heart and I am once again cast into the sea of despair.
Yes, our mind is very powerful. In fact, what our mind can conceive we can achieve. There were various studies about how the mind can control what one feels, think or act but can it truly control the heart? I kept telling myself there is no point remembering the past because it has already happened. I have made my decision and where I am today and what I have is the result of the choices I made. Why then do I still get this dull ache in my heart every time I remember? Is this a curse? Will I have to live all my life saddled with this pain? Will the ugliness never cease haunting me?
Sometimes, we can be too hard on ourselves. We always assume that pain is just like a faucet; you can turn it on and off as often as we want. Somehow I discovered pain does not work this way. It only goes away through the healing powers of time and forgiveness. I realized that I will never move on as I continue to dwell with “what should have been” and the thousands “if onlys” in my life. I have to learn the true meaning of forgiveness, not only towards the people have who have wronged me but myself too, and only then will I be able to see the good that every bad incident in life brings. One way or the other as I cannot truly stop my heart from remembering what happened in the past and the pain that it brought, I can gear my thoughts to the lessons I have learned and the better person I have become. Remembering should not be a curse, but it should be a reminder that we are made tough and able to stand every time we fall.