I’m feeling grouchy today (so this is how Oscar the Grouch feels).  I’m tired. I’m depressed. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a pale, worn down girl with disarrayed hair falling all over her face staring right back.  Sigh. I’ve been working almost twelve hours everyday and it is certainly taking its toll on me.

Everyday at 4am, I would wake up when everything around me is dark and silent.  Fighting the urge to go back to dreamland, I would force myself to get up and start work.  Shivering because of the cold air blowing from the windows of my work room, I would wrapped myself in my warm jacket and start tinkering at the computer.  I would only stop when its time to wake Everett up and get him ready for school.  I would continue working till lunchtime.  Work will resume by the time Everett takes his nap and it will continue till night time.  By the time I crawl to bed, I’m beat.

Sigh.

I know I should not complain because this is the life I chose being a freelance writer.  I need the work.  I have to produce quality articles and keep up with the deadlines.  I have to work…work…work.

In all honesty, I love and enjoy my job especially when clients are satisfied with the work I have done for them.  It excites me to think that by the mid and end of the month, I can enjoy all the sacrifice and hard work I have put in.  Most of all, I know that finally, I am doing something I love–writing.  But why am I being a grouch these days? Being at home and running after deadlines gives me no time to fix myself up anymore.  Although I am not a drop-dead gorgeous gal, but hey! I am an a-okay looking girl.  But that girl I saw in the mirror…well, she looks plain ugly.

Sadly, that’s me.

The more I stay home, the more I felt life is passing me by and I’m missing out on so much.

I missed playing tennis.  Before I would play tennis almost everyday and it always gives me an exhilarating feeling being at the court smashing balls, outwitting my opponents.  I am happy when I’m in the company of my tennis buddies with them bantering and laughing over some silly stories.  There were tournaments to look forward to every several months; something a tennis player like me finds very challenging being the only lady tennis player in our club.

I missed putting my feet up at night snuggling cozily with my family watching a nice movie.  Watching movie is another past time for me.  I am not the shopping type of girl–I would rather indulge in some funny, light hearted romance comedy or get thrilled and hyped up watching a non-stop action movie.  I don’t even remember when was the last time my family and I went to watch a movie.

I missed being me which is not good.  My patience has been running on thin wire whenever I have difficult clients who demands so much and pay so little.  I even have my own share of run-away clients without paying for my services.

I wonder…if this is all worth it?

“Momma…”  I looked to see my 6 year old son’s dark eyes looking at me intently his brows creasing.

“yes?”…

“…are you okay? You are working too much again. Come on, let’s watch Ratatouille together.”

I smiled.  Ratatouille is a Disney movie that is currently his favorite and he has been watching it almost every hour.  My son is my life.  I work because of him so I can give him a good life and prepare for his education.  I don’t have any riches to my name but I know through working hard, he can have a better life.  Yes, all this hard work and sacrifice is worth it because of him.

Working hard is important but so am I.  I need to say no to some clients and save some time for myself.  I cannot be effective at work when I feel life is not fair.  Even if I need to work, I should give time for myself; go play tennis and pamper myself.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  If I look back at the girl in the mirror and think she is ugly…others would see it that way,too.

 

 

 

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