There is a plethora of ideas in a writer’s mind.  In fact, writers thrive on these ideas to come up with interesting articles that will showcase his skills and style in writing.  These days, however, I have been getting lazy, putting off work and feeling depressed.  Although these are just common symptoms of people who are overworked and lack of exercise, yet, I felt something’s amiss and brewing up to blow out of proportion.

Yes, every person has to take it easy in life.  Understandably we all have to work our butt off especially if you have a family to feed but once you ignore some tell-tale signals that remind you to slow down, you are in for a roller coaster ride.

I just had that roller coaster ride and I had it coming.  (Well, my husband had it coming…) After all the ugliness of insecurities, self pity and doubts were spent, I felt a whole LOT better.  One thing is for sure, being a true melancholic in nature, I can be very harsh towards myself and my imperfections.  Because of this, while others who may be on my shoes would go on with life not caring what others think, I beat up myself because I am not happy and satisfied with what I see.

I thought all this time I have to learn to forgive others because of the pain they have caused me; thinking that this is the main cause why I feel there is no growth in me all these months.  However, the moment the roller coaster ride started, all the deep down emotions came surfacing up and amidst the tumbling of words, mixed with pain and tears, I realized I should learn to forgive myself.

Learn to forgive that:

I am fat, a failure and never perfect.

All my life, I live trying to please EVERYONE.  Yet, I fall short and end up displeasing everyone.  I know I am talented and a fighter but the fight is always because I want to PROVE to everyone I am able and not a failure. It is more of doing things to show others and myself that Charlene is beautiful inside despite the big frame–that her beauty lies deep within the recesses of her heart.  In all the fights and battles with others and myself, I end up defeated, broken and spent.

….I felt much better.

After all the tears, I felt a great uplifting in my heart.  Then I started writing and words flow as ideas constantly filled my mind.

I hope that the roller coaster ride is a lesson that I will take on seriously and find the means to work on it. Sometimes forgiving others is deemed easier than forgiving oneself.  On my own, I know I need HIS strength to see me through this.