Admittedly, my mother and I never shared what most would consider a special mother-daughter bond. Maybe this is because while growing up, my mother had to spend more time making our printing business thrive and she had to spend more time to be with my elder brother and sister living in New York. The only time I got to really appreciate all my mother’s sacrifice, pain and love for me was during the many times I stumbled and fell. Not that she had encouraging words for me or ams to hug me tight and palms to wipe my tears but my mother’s way of showing love and support is totally different. However and whatever it may be, being a mother myself, I know that mothers hurt the most when their daughters are in pain.
After being away from my own daughters for several years that led to my legal separation with their dad, the role of being a mother and friend to them is both fulfilling and painful. Making up for the years I missed out on their lives is doubly hard since I live far from them. The mere fact that I cannot be always at their side physically to hug and cry with them is in itself tearing my heart to pieces. Although I tried every possible ways to let them know I am always here for them any time they need me, it is still different being so far.
Sometimes they would call especially if they have problems and hurting. Being a mom, you feel their pain and struggles. If they ask for my opinion or advise, I give it to them but I learned that what I think does not really matter. What is more important, I am a friend who listens. This makes my role fulfilling.
I realized that being a mom hurts especially when you have to let them go. The more you hold on to them, the more they struggle for their freedom. The more you try to put yourself in the picture, the more they shy away. The more you call, the more they wonder why you are calling. The pain does not stop here. The people they call “family” does not really include you. The picture they posted in their blogs with caption “family” does not have your face in there. Pictures of them happy with their step mother at their side is slowly killing you to pieces. Graduation rites, weddings, birthdays and any other milestones would mean you looking on–never a part. It makes you wonder how much pain can a mother take?
Children are not to blame. I don’t blame them at all. I don’t want to blame myself too, since I have been doing this for the past ten years. I just know that mothers love and hurt so much.
Being a daughter, I wish I can tell my mom to hug me and wipe my tears away as her daughter is in so much pain right now. Yet, as a mom, I have to be strong and be “cool”. I have to be thankful if and when they remember and include me.
When does it end? It does not. This is what I have learned from my own mother. Being a mom is forever.
June 17, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I know somewhat what you are going through . I have only survived 5 years of the agony of similar experiences with 2 of my children being sons and one a daughter. I lost my sons along with everything else when our family was destroyed due to divorce and have suffered immensely ever since then. I wasn’t invited to my sons high school graduation but I secretly attended anyway. Anyway, there is too much that happened, to this end to my life to even begin to fill in the rest. I don’t know I guess I just responded to you to let you know I understand where your coming from.
June 17, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Thank you Elizabeth for your comment…we can gather strength from each other as we both understand how difficult our situations are with our children. My only hope is that a day will come when all the pain and sorrow will turn to joy.
March 3, 2012 at 8:30 am
I found this page just now while looking for pictures to add to a video greeting I am making for my 16 year old daughter to cheer her up. Her long distance girlfriend of over a year just broke up with her a few days ago and she has not told anyone yet. The girl’s mother informed my ex-husband. I don’t usually post on blogs but, I can’t help myself this time. This issue of mothers and daughters runs deep in my veins through 3 generations. I was very close to my own mother and am also just as close to my daughter. It saddens me to hear or read stories about mother-daughter relationships that are damaged and suffer because they are ultimately taken for granted. My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died within a year of the diagnoses just a few years ago. Until that time I was healthy and happy in my life as, where my children and husband. When my mother passed my life began a downward spiral. By mistake I used my mother as my rock but, didn’t find out until she was gone how much I needed her and depended on her. She was my reason for doing good, working hard, wanting to do the right things. I would give anything to have her back. I miss her every single day and the pain does not ease up. As a result of my reaction to my mother’s death my children do not live with me now and haven’t for a few years. Nothing has been done legally as far as a divorce or custody, I made the decision to have my children moved back with their dad after we left due to my inability to give them the opportunities they have with him. I do see them weekly but, it doesn’t seem enough and it hurts to not be there at bedtime and in the morning and to experience all the little things I should be able to. Recently, I my son was having some difficulties when it came to his dad’s girlfriend. I just felt that he was feeling guilty for caring about her is basically what it came down to. So, I went to him and told him that it was okay for him to love her. Seems a simple thing to do? I was telling my baby boy that it was okay to love another person that in his eyes is taking my place. My replacement for him. She is there for him in the morning and at bedtime and he loves her. I do feel that. It hurts everyday and I don’t know how to make it stop.
March 3, 2012 at 11:25 am
Thank you Kathleen for sharing with me your pain. I feel your pain too, and I just want you to know that I understand. How many children do you have? I have 4 daughters with my ex-husband and its been 10 years. Some people say 10 years would have eased the pain and although the pain is not as intense as it was the first few years, the pain has become a dull ache that never goes away. Honestly, my only comfort is the prayer I make everyday that God will always take care of them and find it in their hearts to eventually realize that Mommy is and will never be the same as their step mom or their dad’s girlfriend. We are more special than any of these people that come and go their young lives. It is our blood flowing through their veins, our spirit in their soul and our love that beat in their heart. Hang in there….You have a friend in me who listens (anytime you need me to) and understand.