It has become a habit. It’s like having some sort of alarm going off while deep in my slumber that tells me it’s time to wake up and work. I have been putting off my usual blogging because there are some things I don’t want to dwell at this time. It would have been another rambling about the pain and the past. Somehow, I wonder if I have truly moved on.

I think my greatest enemy at this point in my life is no other but myself. I have been struggling so much with my insecurities and self-worth. This is not only in regards to my personal life but even at work.  I know it is not right to expect other people to make me feel good about myself. How can they? They are as human as I am.

“I’m no good”

Maybe that’s the reason why I lost two important jobs. Although deep in my heart, I know I have done my best working for these people but I have been berating myself the past months that I could have performed better at work. Stupid Charlene—yeah, that’s me. The funny thing is I also truly believe that as God gives–He also takes away…in exchange for something better. I just have to be patient and to trust in His wisdom.

Right now, I just have to “believe” in myself that I can do this. I have to stop putting myself down every time someone points out my mistakes at work. After all, this is all for my improvement as a writer. If I want to be on top of my game, then I have to make it happen. Being a true melancholic can be a curse. Too self-analytical and too hard on myself is not doing me any good at all.

“I’m fat”

This is one of the things I really don’t want to talk about. I have been blaming myself that I’m looking like a truck these days because I have been missing out on playing tennis because I HAVE to work. Working means sitting in front of the PC for more than 12 hours a day and it is causing me to develop all these love handles (front and back). Sigh…

This can’t go on. Charlene is a great organizer—I know this. I just have to organize my time so I can set aside 2 to 3 hours to play tennis. I tried exercising at home—believe me, it’s no use. I hate having to jump, jog and kick in front of the TV by myself. Eventually, I stopped. Why the heck am I doing something that I hate so much?

Yesterday, I went to pick up Josh for lunch. While we were walking towards the car, a wimpy kid in front of us looked at me disdainfully and told Josh “Your mom’s fat.” I snapped at the kid and told him off. I felt bad. I know I shouldn’t have reacted since he IS just a kid. As a mom, I always teach my kids never to say things like “fat” or “ugly” in front of a person so not to offend others. Being a “victim” of that candid comment started me putting myself down again.

What happened to that girl 10 years ago? Where did she go? She may be overweight but no one seems to notice because she was full of life and confidence. She used to wear mini skirts and high heels and look good in it! Who cares what others think of her? She knew she was beautiful INSIDE and OUT.

Was it because I am fat that he got hooked with another woman?

This has to stop.

How I wish I could end this ramblings (see, I should have just kept everything in my heart instead of writing about it) with something positive, something that would make me feel good, something that would stop my tears from falling.

But I can’t.

I just need to get away for a while and search where that beautiful girl has gone to.