Here in Bicol, a province South from the Metropolis, we are so used to having countless of typhoons each year. This is because of the island’s location — sitting at a typhoon belt area. More than six years ago, we experienced one of the worst disaster brought about by typhoon Reming that killed almost 2,000 residents with billions of properties destroyed, plus three towns covered with the volcano’s ashes and giant boulders. It was the worst time for Bicolanos — having lost not only loved ones, but also their hard-earned property. Thank the Lord, the locals were able to move on after several years.
The typhoon in my life has not slowed down a bit. Sad to say, it is also my fault why it’s taking a long time for me to move on. There would be good days when I would take some positive steps forward, then there would be bad days that would bring me down in the lowest pit of despair. Those days are becoming more and more frequent. Unlike others who are not aware of what’s going on, I am thankful that despite all the yo-yo events going on in my life, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG. The problem lies on my being so pig-headed, stubborn, impatient and proud. Many, many times, I would take things into my own hands and do what I think is best — yet, this is not what the Lord wants me to do.
The Lord has been talking to me and reminding me to let go and just let Him, yet, I wanted to do it on my own. I keep telling Him — I have no choice but to do it because I need to. Sigh. At the end of the day ending at the lowest pit of despair, I would blame myself over and over again for not listening to the Lord’s gentle prodding.
Is it really hard to just let go and let God?
I wish I could say yes. I wish I could lie and say I am an obedient daughter who has a childlike faith, full of trust in my God. But I cannot lie and I know everything that happened and the consequences are my fault. The problem is not about the typhoon of my life. The problem is never about God and His not answering my prayers. The problem is me.
So today, instead of praying for Him to answer my prayers, I am praying for strength and the will to follow Him with a childlike faith. Although I do not see the whole staircase, I just know it’s there. Although I do not see how I am or will able to make through this typhoon in my life, I just know I can and I will because God is powerful, loving and will never leave me. I know He is just waiting for me to let go and let Him.
Somehow, I know the typhoon will be over as soon as I let go.