“What’s wrong with me?” This is a question I have been asking myself lately.

The past two months have been tiring, challenging and discouraging. I am well aware that being a freelance writer has its ups and downs. There would be days when I had to wake up at 4am to start work and hit the bed at 10pm because my mind simply ceased to function due to sheer brain exhaustion. There would be days when I have so much time in my hands, and I feel my brain is rusted.

It’s been three years since I let go of my cooking business and focused on building a career as a writer. Admittedly, the road was bumpy and winding. I shed so many tears. I found myself frustrated and angry because I have encountered many unscrupulous and dishonest clients in the web who, after receiving the work done, did not pay me. Because I am not an American neither a Literature graduate, I learned and honed my skills from each writing project I take on. Criticisms, suggestions and complaints were taken seriously. I learned from my mistakes and used them to move forward. I believe I have come a long way and I am good with what I do.

That was before I hit this pothole in my life.

The past two months were spent looking for new clients. I was advised to think outside the box and not just to rely on the usual to look for clients. So I created a new account in another job market place. This has proven to be quite challenging since being new in the market with no work history, no one was interested to hire me. I searched the net for life coaches who might need my services. I specifically choose to work with life coaches because I know I have the heart and passion to write self-motivated, self-development and self-help topics. Everyday, I sent out job applications and waited for people to reply to me. Most of the time, I get no response and if someone does reply to my application, it is usually a NO.  Days and weeks passed, the little money we have saved for the rainy days is now depleted. Bills started to pile up and the more I try, the more discouraged I am.

Life is Full of Choices

The moment you open your eyes to a brand new day, it’s your choice whether you get up and do what you are supposed to do or just stay in bed and wallow in self-pity. Every time you come across something negative, it’s your choice whether you want it to affect you or not. When a client refused to pay you and say mean things about you and the way you write, it is your choice whether you want their words to affect your self-confidence or go out and prove them wrong. When someone close to you discourages you because of the decisions you made, it is your choice whether you want to regret what you did or stand by it because deep down, you know you followed your heart. When your husband is down and nothing you say can lift him out of his despair, it is your choice whether you want to stay strong or cave in to your own discouraging thoughts. At your lowest when you are at your most vulnerable moment with your heart and mind filled with worries and frustrations on what to do next and how you are going to survive — Satan comes and tells you “Your God doesn’t care for you! He has forgotten you! He doesn’t see your pain and frustrations!” It is your choice to believe Satan or hold on to your faith and hope in God despite the fact that you don’t see even a slightest beam of light in this dark tunnel.

It’s your choice whether you believe or not.

I made so many mistakes and wrong decisions in my life that I am not proud of. But I know all these have helped me become who I am today. Honestly, I really don’t know what the Lord has in store for me after two months of getting “no” in all my job applications. I thought of other things I can do — but, none gives me more joy than being a writer. Yesterday, I cooked some goodies and tried selling them to my friends. Although the goods were sold out by the end of the day, I am not sure if this is the road I want to take on.

The more I try, the more discouraged I am.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why do I feel this way?

Maybe if there is something or someone who can tell me that I am on the right track trusting God and believing that He is control — maybe, I won’t feel this way.

Then, I came across this quote today … And I feel HOPE once more.

Choices: On Being Discouraged and Having Faith