How I See Myself in The Mirror

This was the very first article I wrote almost a year ago in one of the prestigious writing site.

I opened my eyes to the darkened room and slowly tiptoed to the window.  Catching a glimpse of a new day just peeking through the ebony sky, I knew there was no turning back.  Quietly, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror…Is this how a 40-year old look like?  The girl I see in the mirror is not young anymore.  Wrinkles in the eyes and face are visible despite the daily applications of different moisturizers and creams.  In fact, those facial treatments that I monthly indulged in cannot stop blemishes from appearing.  Gone was the once svelte, eye-catching body.  Instead I see someone almost 25kgs overweight with all the love handles visible everywhere. Should I start considering Liposuction? I grimaced.  Physically, at age 40, I am a distasteful picture.  With a deep sigh, I started to leave when suddenly I stopped.  Glancing back at myself in the mirror, I looked deeply in those dark almond eyes staring back at me.

I see someone who has been through a difficult life the past 40 years.  Strength, courage and a deep faith in God has helped me survive the most trying times of my life.  The past year alone has not been easy for me financially and emotionally.  Business has been almost dying while bills were piling up high waiting to be paid.  I took it hard when my youngest daughter who used to live with me decided to go back to her dad, my ex husband.  Worst, I have been betrayed by the man who promised to grow old with me.  Pain and sadness have been my best friends and not more than once, I have contemplated if I should go on living this life.

Yet as I continue to reflect on this, from somewhere I felt the strength of God seeping through my very soul.  Despite the physical unattractive sight, I see a beautiful person who is filled with love and kindness.  Not allowing hatred or anger to rule my heart, I have learned the art of forgiving not only the people who has caused me pain but myself most especially. I have learned to move on and continue living. I am still in control of my life and even if there are times I am scared, I face life with a zest!  When life throws lemons, it is up to us to make lemonade out of it.  Yes, it may be difficult but we can always use a trial in life to become a challenge that will draw out the best that we can be.

Today is my 40th birthday and I can’t wait to see what is in store for me the next 40 years.  I know the road ahead isn’t easy.  With all the turns and bumps along the way, with God’s grace, I am not afraid. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  To others looking on, they may see an overweight, over-the-hill girl but for me, what I see in the mirror is a kind, courageous and a lot better person.

 

 

The Vulnerable Heart

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable.” C. S. Lewis

 

“I understand now that the vulnerability I’ve always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can’t experience life without feeling life. What I’ve learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, its strength.“ 
– Elisabeth Shue

 

I have a vulnerable heart.

My heart has been broken, crushed and trampled to millions of pieces so many times that I feel it will never survive another major disaster in life.  This scares me all the more considering at almost 41 years and God-willing, I may live another 40 years more.  Nothing can assure me that from this moment on to the last of my dying breath, my heart will never be broken again.  Because of this, I constantly feel fear that any time soon; this heart will have to face another catastrophe again.  It pains me to think how can I survive?  This is how vulnerable I am at this moment.

Somebody wisely said, to truly love someone means opening your heart to the pain.  It is vulnerability.  However because of past experiences being terribly hurt tremendously by the person you love, it is normal that you are constantly wary and fearful.  It seems you are building an invisible wall in your heart trying to protect it from being hurt again.  Every little doubtful situation will cause your heart to pound with distress as you feel yourself being sucked up by bad memories causing you to be very suspicious.  The walls surrounding your heart are up a hundred fold to keep it from breaking into pieces again.  Because of your obvious distress, your eyes are physically and emotionally dimmed to the point of being temporarily blind; you don’t and won’t listen to anything sensible because all you feel is the fear that it is going to happen again.

It’s been a year.  Yes, I can say I have physically and emotionally moved on.  Although I have not gone far but I am glad to say I was able to move several feet away from all the ugliness.  Yet, being vulnerable makes it truly difficult to continue with the progress especially when your trust has been broken and you have to suffer the crushing of your self esteem.  Many times I am frustrated with myself because I know I wasn’t like this before.  I never looked at myself in the mirror disdainfully despite my flabs and fats.  Yes, I have my dark moods while growing up being a melancholic but I knew I was able to overcome this through my achievements that built self confidence.  Yet today, I feel I’m back to square one with no more strength to build myself up once more.

In my vulnerability, I realized I cannot do this on my own.  While I may not be young anymore and my heart is doubly tired, I feel in my weakness God is my strength.  While on my knees in deep prayer with my usual ramblings to Him, He gently reminded me that He is still the Lord of my life.  It is just like bungee jumping from the top of the Eiffel Tower.  I felt myself plunging fast to my impending doom when suddenly a strong and elastic cord on my heel broke my fall.  God is my elastic cord.  I should trust Him that He will not let go of me.

Human as I am, every time I feel being thrust towards the nightmare, I would ask for assurance not to be hurt once more.  Yet, I realized I am putting my trust and faith towards someone who is as human as I am.  This is the reason why, I can still feel an impending doom hovering.  I do not have the inner peace I am searching for. I cannot continually move on and I am trapped.  I felt the only way for me to be shielded from being hurt is to put my heart in a casket—safe from everything and everyone.  Yet, I know this is a cowardly way of moving on.

Trust in God ONLY.  Yes, this is what I have learned; what I am continually trying to embrace each day of my life.  This is the only time vulnerability becomes strength.

Feel and Look Young While Aging

It can be a frustration to any man or woman once the body starts showing signs of aging.  Admittedly, everyone would do anything to stop this progression. Sometimes they even go to the extent of dressing and acting like a teenager just to show other people they are cool.

Compare these two women.  Both have long straight hair, wearing T-shirt and shorts and flip-flops on their feet.  At a distance, one looks older than the other.  Looking closer, the one who seemed older is actually years younger than the other one.  In fact, the younger looking one has visible lines etched on her eyes and face yet, she is often mistaken to be at her early 30s instead of her 40 years of age. Although we cannot stop time but we can feel and look young while aging.  Here’s how:

Avoid Stress

As we age, our lives become more complicated due to the many responsibilities we face each day.  Problems at home and at work can take its toll on us.  It is how we perceive things in life that we can avoid being stressful.  Take the first woman.  She’s only  28 years old but she likes to whine and complain.  Every little problem that comes, she makes a whole big deal out of it.  If things don’t work out like she wants it to be, self-pity comes surfacing.  This attitude in life causes one to look and feel old.

Exercise

As we grow older our body changes.  The usual agility is diminished in half and more often than not we tire easily.  We can only counter the aging process if we do something about it like getting into a daily exercise routine.  Doing some walking in the morning or enrolling yourself in aerobic classes are some of the things that would get your body moving.  My dad who is 80 years old now still plays tennis every day.  Although at his age he doesn’t move as fast as he was 40 years ago but mentally, he is still quick and witty.

Change in Lifestyle

Someone close to me passed away recently at the age of 50 due to several complications brought about by his constant smoking and drinking alcohol.  The human body if not properly taken care of breaks down easily.  Amazingly, it has a built-in automatic warning device that will let us know something is wrong.  It may be due to extensive smoking, alcohol intake, drugs and even our daily food consumption that is filled with Fatty food and high sugar intake. Yet, when we ignore the warning and still go on with the lifestyle we are so used to, the body breaks down and even stop working.  When to change our lifestyle? Now is the best time.

Smile more often, pamper yourself and be surrounded by people with happy disposition.

We cannot avoid it.  We all go through the process of aging.  Yet we can take hold of it and do something about it.  There are a lot of people who age gracefully and the common denominator one will notice is that they may be old physically yet mentally and emotionally they are young.  Thus, the term “young hearted” is often used to people who may be old in age but the attitude in life is that of a young person.  Smile more often even when life isn’t so great.  Pamper yourself and take time outs.  Indulge in those body spa and facial treatments.  You deserve it!  Most of all surround yourself with happy people.  Toxic ones would simply drag you down and without you wanting it, you feel a lot older than you are.

In conclusion, we are in control of our lives. We are the only ones who know what is best for our bodies.   Even if we may not be able to stop ourselves from aging but with the right attitude we can look and feel young even when we grow older.